Cutting off your retreat

There’s a story I heard recently about a girl with long blond hair who wanted someone to coach her but didn’t have enough money to pay the coach his fee.

After a conversation between the two of them the coach told the girl that he believed that because the girl really valued her hair, he was willing to coach her if she agreed to bring a pair of scissors to the coaching session and let him cut off her hair at the end of it.

The girl duly turned up to her coaching session with a pair of scissors and at the end of the session she handed over the scissors for the coach to perform the dastardly deed.

At this point the coach gave the girl back the scissors and let her leave without cutting her hair.

What is the point of this story?

There’s a favourite quote of mine by William Hutchinson Murray that goes -

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.”

When you enter a swimming pool, or the sea, to swim, there is a point where you become committed and YOU KNOW that you’re going to swim. Until you get to that point, it is far easier to turn round and retreat.

The coach knew that unless the girl who wanted the coaching wasn’t able to pass that point of no return, which she demonstrated through bringing the scissors to her coaching session, then she wasn’t committed to the process.

Without that full commitment she was unlikely to receive the benefit that was available to her from the coaching.

As Susan Jeffers said in her famous book, “feel the fear and do it anyway”!

The purpose of connection

Connection is my number one value, and the reason I believe it is so important is that it exists at many different levels.

Connection is when you are relating to another human being at the level of their dreams, their aspirations, their strengths and their vulnerability. It’s when you understand what really makes them feel alive.

Connection is also when you communicate with you inner self, not your inner critic, who is a past master at pointing out all your inadequacies, why you’re going to fail and that you’re just not good enough the way you are.

No, this is communicating with the real you. The you that has your own dreams and possibilities, the you that knows you are good enough just as you are, the you that knows there is nothing more you need to do, know, have or be to become good enough. You’re already there now.

Connection can also be the feeling of a close relationship with something bigger than you. That could be nature or a higher power, when you feel that you’re a part of it and not a separate entity.

You know the feeling when you are somewhere that you find so peaceful and beautiful that it physically lifts you and inspires you. That’s when you’ve connected and you know that you are an integral part of it.

Connection with something bigger can also be a purpose that is bigger than you. It could be about helping others, or it could be about making your workplace, your community, your country or the world a better place to be.

It could be about leaving a legacy that will outlast you.

All the levels of connection are what make life worth living.

The 2nd key to being happy

Once you have chosen what is (see yesterday’s post The 1^st key to being happy), the second key to being happy, and in control of your life, requires you to choose what’s next.

When people feel stuck, it’s usually because they feel that they’re in this place because they have no choice.

“I hate my job but I can’t afford to leave it. I wouldn’t earn this much anywhere else.”

While the above statement may feel true to the person speaking it, the reality is actually as follows.

“I hate my job but I’m choosing not to leave it because I wouldn’t earn this much anywhere else.”

Another statement I’ve heard before is

“My relationship isn’t going anywhere but I can’t leave because I hate being alone and I don’t want to hurt the other person.”

Once again, the reality is similar but with a slight change.

“My relationship isn’t going anywhere but I choose not to leave because I hate being alone and I don’t want to hurt the other person.”

As soon as you realise that you always have a choice, then you are never actually stuck again.

At some point in time you may decide to choose somthing different and the above statements may change to:

“I hate my job and I’m choosing to leave it even though I probably won’t earn this much anywhere else.”

and,

“My relationship isn’t going anywhere and I’m choosing to leave, even though I hate being alone, and because I’m hurting the other person anyway by not being committed to them.”

So, never forget that you get to choose what comes next, and as you're always choosing anyway, why not go ahead and choose what you really want?

The 1st key to being happy

There are two keys to being happy and in control of your life, and both of them require choosing. 

The first key requires choosing what is.

What do I mean by that?

Choosing what is, involves complete acceptance of what is happening right now in your life.

The alternatives to acceptance are resistance or resignation.

Resistance involves feeling that it’s all very unfair. This is not what you wanted. This happened despite your best intentions and attempts, and you’re not going to stand for it.

Resisting takes energy and it’s ultimately pointless and exhausting because you can’t change what is.

Resignation is giving up and believing that you’re in a bad situation and that it is bound to continue because there’s nothing you can do about it.

Resignation is also where you feel that you’ve tried before and you know now that it’s hopeless. It may work for others, but you’ve proven time and time again that it doesn’t work for you and that’s the end of it.

Acceptance however is very different from both resistance and resignation. It doesn't involve wasted energy fighting, and it doesn't  have the giving up or hopelessness that come with resignation.

Accepting it doesn’t mean having to like it, but it does mean not putting any energy into trying to change what is.

What about your life are you not accepting right now?

Is it how your spouse, children, parents or work colleagues are, or is it that you’re not where you should be in life? It’s not where you thought you’d be by now and it’s so very unfair.

Your spouse, children, parents and work colleagues are exactly how they are and that’s that.

You’re exactly where you are in your life right now and that’s how it is.

Choose it all as it is and let go of the negative energy of resistance.

Tomorrow we'll look at the second key to being happy and being in control of your life.

Are you being true or pathetic?

I’ve always thought that one of the most important measures of success in your life is how often you really feel alive.

If you’re not feeling alive, then you need to do one of the things that you know make you feel really alive.

But there are two types of feeling alive.

The first type of alive is when you’re excited, exhilarated, feeling very happy and loving the moment.

The second type of alive is when you’re digging in, carrying on doing what you know you need to do and not giving up.

This second type of alive doesn’t feel exciting or exhilarating. It doesn’t necessarily make you feel happy or loving the moment when you’re doing it.

So how do you recognise this as feeling alive, when it’s so different from the first one?

This is where I’ve come up with the true vs. pathetic gauge.

When you’re in the excited and exhilarated alive state you know you don’t feel pathetic.

But when you’re in the dug in state, you may feel a bit pathetic.

You expected it to be much easier and it feels like very hard graft right now.

But here’s the thing.

When you’re digging in and keeping going, you have a choice, and the choice is to carry on or give up.

Out of those two options, which one will make you feel the most pathetic, and which one will make you feel like you’re being true to yourself?

If you’re being true to yourself, even if its feels like hard graft, you are very much alive!