Untwisting what they said

Thinking about an argument I recently participated in, it's interesting how often it comes down to "you said blah blah blah".

Invariably the issue or the problem is not exactly what was said, and yet it ends up what we concentrate on.

How often do we get into an argument because somebody said something that for us had meaning 'X'?

When we eventually calm down and/or come to some sort of agreement, what the other person actually meant by those words was 'Y', not 'X'.

The important part of verbal communication is usually the meaning the speaker intends to communicate, which we are very adept at twisting into the meaning our own embedded patterns of listening expect.

How about the next time someone says something you feel upset by, stopping and checking with them, "when you say blah blah blah, do you mean you're feeling 'X'?"

You may just get to resolution a whole lot quicker.